Thursday, February 7, 2013

Old Acquaintances

 image courtesy of leo.jeje (via Flickr Creative Commons)This image and These words from "Some Night" by FUN: I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
image courtesy of leo.jeje (via Flickr Creative Commons)











Tiger Eyes – Master Class 2013 #5

Congratulations to Carrie!  
In keeping with “changing it up,” when I asked Carrie for a line from a novel, I asked her to give me the last line. That’s right class, this week, you have to END on the prompt, not begin with it. Carrie chose Judy Blume’s Tiger Eyes, which ends with:
Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

and on to the story...




Liam hunched through the afternoon downpour.  His footing was sure on the rain slicked rocks as he climbed the rise toward the abandoned chapel. At the foot of the cracked and weather warped granite steps he stopped to survey ruin. The walls were mostly intact, the turrets not all crumbled. 

He mounted the first six stairs. Before he could reach the topmost step, a rush of air pushed him back. Leathery wings spread wide, framing a bestial face. The features were the same shade as the walls of the chapel. The cheeks and forehead were similarly marred by the erosion of years and weather.

"Thou shalt not enter this holy house, Liam Braden."  Its voice was as eroded as its face. 

"Ye're not serious, are ye?  Tis my family land, gargoyle."

"Thou art unclean. Thee may not enter."

"Unclean?  I'm soakin' wet!"  Liam attempted to side step the creature.

A rock hard hand gently blocked his move. "I am sworn to keep the unclean out of God's house. Thou hast partaken of human flesh, Liam Braden." 

"Ah, that. Well, they was already departed this world. It's not like I slew them meself." 

"And thou hast committed murderer." 

"Self defense."  Liam countered. 

The wings spread as the monster stood to full height. "The murder of thy Father and Mother were not self defense, nor the killing of thy siblings!" 

Liam sighed, "No, but I was under a compulsion.  It was not me fault."

It was the gargoyle's turn to sigh. "A geas set upon thee as the price for the dark gift thee chose to cheat death.  Thou cannot deceive me."

"Alright. Ye've got a point. But, honestly, how holy can this place still be?  None have worshipped here for centuries. And besides, I helped me father raise ye to the tower. T'was meself that named ye. Cedric."  Liam grinned.  "Ye were marvelous! All grim power and stony strength."

"Thee was a good boy then, Liam.  Cedric, yes, I remember."

"Then let me in, old friend. We'll reminisce."

Cedric pondered a moment. "My strength is not what it was, I am lonely. Against my judgement, I bid thee enter Liam Braden."

Together, they walked into the nave. Liam was surprised and unexpectedly pleased to see the stained glass behind the pulpit was intact. The weak light of the dreary day muted the once vibrant hues as they tinted the decomposing body that lay across the podium.

He glanced sidelong at the creature next to him. "Ye've been entertaining?"

"Badly behaved youngsters.  They thought to practice the black mass.  In fact, summoned a demon before I could rouse myself. I had to put a stop to that."

"And the others?"

"Fled. This one chose to martyr herself for her demon."  Cedric gazed sadly at the corpse. "A wasted effort. I sent it back to Hell anyway."

"I see."  Liam eyed the remains hungrily, "Perhaps I was sent to help ye cleanse the house.  I could, oh, dispose of that bit a mess for ye."

"Ghouls!"  Cedric rolled his stony eyes. "Alright then.Maybe that's the way its supposed to be."


23 comments:

  1. This was great! I love the ending--creepy. Is this part of a larger work? I'd love to read more.

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    1. Victoria, thank you! This is one of many bits and pieces of what I think is "learning my characters" from my Nano chaos. They keep telling me stores.

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  2. The dialogue here is strong, showing both of their weariness and acceptance of the way things are. I enjoyed your description of the gargoyle showing his age like the stone.

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    1. Thank you! I'm glad the stone came through, I was hoping for that.

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  3. I love your description of the gargoyle and the ending is wonderful. I didn't think he would be allowed to enter, but then to be able to "help" out...just wonderful!

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    1. Thank you, Stacey! I love gargoyles. I have several on my desk. And, by rights, Liam shouldn't have been allowed, but, he can be persuasive.

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  4. I really love the concept and can see it being part of a larger piece, but Cedric's quick acceptance in letting Liam into the church threw me. Also, I felt the dialect wasn't consistent - I wanted to hear the brogue in Liam's speech but just couldn't do it.

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    1. Eric, thank you! I see what you mean. I believe I started to rush my story.
      And I think I lost Liam especially in the paragraph about the church no longer being used.
      I will definitely revisit this piece.

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  5. This was such a fun read! I'd love to hear more from Cedric.

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    1. Thanks, t!
      These characters keep showing up and whispering their stories. Maybe instead of a novel, I should just throw a bunch of shorts in a book.

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  6. Ghouls are tricksy! I liked the camraderie between the two characters. Friendly, although not quite friends.

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    1. Thank you,Tracie! Yes they are, and Liam is a charmer for all his questionable eating habits.

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  7. So completely creeptastic. I loved this, and would love to see it expanded!

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    1. Thanks, Corinne. Liam is in a few other pieces related to my Nano work-in-chaos. Eventually I'll get this mess organized, I hope.

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  8. I was able to hear Liam's brogue, but I think what threw me during their dialogue was Cedric's archaic speech, though based on his character, I can see why he'd speak that way. Also, some of the "thee"s should have been "thou"s, which was also a bit confusing.

    Overall, I love the Gothic feel of this story, its eerie tone, and the descriptions of Cedric.

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    1. Thanks, Bee! I'm going to have to study the "thous and thees", I second guessed each one. Evidently my percentage was not good.

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  9. Totally loved this one, well written, great story line. I love the way that their speech reads out loud, I feel like I could hear their accents and cadences perfectly and that's not always easy to do.

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    1. Thank you, Shannon! I'm glad you enjoyed. But I am going to work on this a little more.

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  10. Love LOVE! the concept. It feels really raw though, it doesn't have the flow and polish that I'm used to from your pieces, and I think that's what the contributing factor is to some of the previous comments. It's a draft, and that's okay.

    I think a bit a fleshing out the argument when you're not tied to a word limit and you've got yourself an amazing scene. I'd like to suggest that you build it up to the point that it's obvious the gargoyle won't budge for anything and then have Liam win entrance by declaring "sanctuary." It's a loophole that even Cedric could be happy with because he is lonely and does want someone familiar to talk to. Win-win and nobody is out-of-character.

    Don't forget when you revisit to edit that a few of your words need hyphens, weather-warped and self-defense for example. And I think you meant "murder" instead of "murderer."

    We also need to know why Liam would be unexpectedly pleased to see the stained glass was still intact. Did his mother set the glass or have it commissioned? Was the expense of it perhaps a gift from a foreign kingdom or from the papacy? Does it connect him further to the lad he once was and it's unexpected because it's a part of him he forgot? Could Cedric have hated the piece, thinking it to be a gaudy display of wealth that shouldn't be apart of the kirk and Liam think that it would have been the first thing Cedric would break? If Liam is just surprised that it's intact when the rest of the place is crumbling from disrepair, all you need to say then is that he's surprised to see it.

    And dialogue of this nature is a tricky thing. I like that you had the gargoyle speaking in the archaic formal, but the phrasing and the some of the words were out of place. Liam, too, had some modern lapses in his speech. The use of "All right" for example. Try "Well anough" or "well and good." Little touches like that will cement your world. When you revisit, experiment with speech patterns until one screams "this is how a gargoyle sounds!" I don't mean to do a Yoda number on it, but there's so much you could do to make the character really pop. You want him to have a different voice from any other character out there, because talking gargoyles don't appear in many books.

    Again, love what you're doing with this. And I love the dynamic of the characters. Well done!

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    1. Oh Shelton, Thank You so much. This is what I need! I threw this together way too quickly. I'm unfamiliar with the nuances of "thee and thou", I did lose Liam's voice, (although when I've pinned the actual time, there may be modern influence to his speech), and honestly, the story popped into my head and I tried too hard to make it fit the prompts. The "murderer" I'm totally blaming on auto-correct, as I typed this on my too-smart-for-its-own-good Kindle.

      I really appreciate the in-depth concrit. I'm more apt to rework it now. Sometimes? These stray pieces just fade into the archives

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  11. I love the idea of a world-weary anthropomorphic gargoyle. He's a nice foil for Liam.

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  12. I enjoyed this Renee. The dialect for me wasn't overdone, and the story left me craving more.

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  13. Very fun and creative little scene. I never would have expected Liam to be a ghoul. And I love the response from the gargoyle. Like an exasperated parent

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