You were to write about a pair of shoes of yours or your character's. They can be real or symbolic
She was so excited! He'd be here soon, and she was far from ready. It was time to get a move on.
She pulled the dress on, viewed herself in the mirror, adjusted the top, straightened the skirt. Frowned, then smiled. Too late to hate it now.
She brushed her hair carefully, pinned back the errant strands. Makeup, just a touch of blush and lip color, he didn't care for a lot of "face paint".
Finally she opened the box that held them. Her shoes, dancing shoes. She was going to the prom, she was going to dance. They were beige with little pearls sewed to them. The soles flat for dancing. She wasn't going to try to impress him stomping about on spiky little heels. These were the shoes, so soft, so perfect.
One last flash by the mirror, she smiled again, pleased with what she saw. She was
as ready as she was going to be.
He knocked at the door, her mother led him to the living room where she waited. He smiled at her and held out his hand. She clasped it lightly and rose to her feet. He put the precious corsage on her wrist.
"Are you ready to go dancing?" he asked.
"Oh yes! I am ready!"
*****
The call had come late in the evening. They needed someone to come identify the body. This was not a task she wished to do, but she was the one who lived closest.
"I'm sorry you have to do this, but rules and all. The old lady in the next room was complaining about the music. We knocked, but your grandmother didn't answer. We used the passkey to get in."
Her grandmother was sitting on the sofa, dressed in her best old dress. It looked like she was wearing some lipstick. Her hair was carefully brushed back. In her hands, a pressed flower, no more frail than the hands that held it.
On her feet were the shoes. The shoes she had shown her granddaughter countless times. Even long after Granddad had passed away, Grandma would still pull out those shoes. They were wrinkled and pale as the serene face of her grandmother. Missing many of the tiny pearls. Her dancing shoes, the ones that had helped her win Granddad's heart.
I so loved the sweet romance and so wasn't expecting the twist ending!
ReplyDeleteIn other words: Well done! :)
I didn't expect where it was going, but once I moved passed the surprise of the scene change, I loved the sweet romance of it all. :>
ReplyDeleteStopping in from TRDC!
I loved that she got ready to dance with him both figuratively and literally. I thought it was a really interesting idea to have the memory take place in real time, as maybe it did for her right then.
ReplyDeleteThe transition was a touch jarring, but I think that even a punctuation break would let us know we had switched perspectives/moments. Something as simple as ***.
I'm so, so glad that she died in midst of such a wonderful moment. And good for her for wearing shoes she could actually dance in!
oh, Renee... this was so sweet. So how I'd want to go, lost in a perfect memory of someone I'm longing to see.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jennifer about the transition, but that's small compared to the impact of the piece.
I love this. Just love it.
Oh, that was just beautiful. Tears. Yes, I agree - maybe just adding a row of dots to make the break more definitive, but it was so lovely!
ReplyDeleteThank you all, Galit, Karen, Jennifer, Cam, and Jennifer(not just another).
ReplyDeleteI took the advice and added a break. You're all right. It made the transition seem better. Like cue marks in the old movies.
I appreciate your comments and concrit. Thanks for reading. :)
Oh, I loved this.
ReplyDeleteYou'd already corrected the break, so I understood the transition just fine.
The only possible concrit I can find is perhaps eliminate some of the passive voice. Switch "the call came/arrived" instead of "had come" "grandmother was sitting" to Grandmother sat". The lines about grandmother's appearance could be more immediate with "Lipstick outlined her lips and her hair was carefully brushed back."
I loved the lines: "They were wrinkled and pale as the serene face of her grandmother. Missing many of the tiny pearls."
This was excellent.
Oh wow. This is so touching. What a beautiful, beautiful story. I saw it after the edit, and it works very well.
ReplyDelete