tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post6749659574160370418..comments2023-05-14T03:34:24.671-04:00Comments on Elsetime & Otherwhen: The PromReneehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00955772837133239769noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-19473022474671446062011-07-18T20:06:37.983-04:002011-07-18T20:06:37.983-04:00Oh wow. This is so touching. What a beautiful, bea...Oh wow. This is so touching. What a beautiful, beautiful story. I saw it after the edit, and it works very well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-55051566469974561322011-07-18T18:16:38.513-04:002011-07-18T18:16:38.513-04:00Oh, I loved this.
You'd already corrected th...Oh, I loved this. <br /><br />You'd already corrected the break, so I understood the transition just fine.<br /><br />The only possible concrit I can find is perhaps eliminate some of the passive voice. Switch "the call came/arrived" instead of "had come" "grandmother was sitting" to Grandmother sat". The lines about grandmother's appearance could be Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-69546808293450534202011-07-18T16:23:08.484-04:002011-07-18T16:23:08.484-04:00Thank you all, Galit, Karen, Jennifer, Cam, and Je...Thank you all, Galit, Karen, Jennifer, Cam, and Jennifer(not just another). <br />I took the advice and added a break. You're all right. It made the transition seem better. Like cue marks in the old movies. <br /><br />I appreciate your comments and concrit. Thanks for reading. :)Reneehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00955772837133239769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-68310996629049243942011-07-18T15:46:45.242-04:002011-07-18T15:46:45.242-04:00Oh, that was just beautiful. Tears. Yes, I agree -...Oh, that was just beautiful. Tears. Yes, I agree - maybe just adding a row of dots to make the break more definitive, but it was so lovely!Not Just Another Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01455496431589188635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-84818086688530742852011-07-18T15:38:00.545-04:002011-07-18T15:38:00.545-04:00oh, Renee... this was so sweet. So how I'd wan...oh, Renee... this was so sweet. So how I'd want to go, lost in a perfect memory of someone I'm longing to see.<br /><br />I agree with Jennifer about the transition, but that's small compared to the impact of the piece.<br /><br />I love this. Just love it.CDG @ Move Over Mary Poppins!http://moveovermarypoppins.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-68993520608495902472011-07-16T10:11:19.514-04:002011-07-16T10:11:19.514-04:00I loved that she got ready to dance with him both ...I loved that she got ready to dance with him both figuratively and literally. I thought it was a really interesting idea to have the memory take place in real time, as maybe it did for her right then.<br /><br />The transition was a touch jarring, but I think that even a punctuation break would let us know we had switched perspectives/moments. Something as simple as ***.<br /><br />I'm so, soJenniferhttp://whispatory.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-82152000488077448812011-07-16T04:13:22.974-04:002011-07-16T04:13:22.974-04:00I didn't expect where it was going, but once I...I didn't expect where it was going, but once I moved passed the surprise of the scene change, I loved the sweet romance of it all. :><br /><br />Stopping in from TRDC!Karenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06572568205513606978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2760035641523636365.post-21979893435341400802011-07-15T23:35:01.954-04:002011-07-15T23:35:01.954-04:00I so loved the sweet romance and so wasn't exp...I so loved the sweet romance and so wasn't expecting the twist ending!<br /><br />In other words: Well done! :)Galit Breenhttp://theselittlewaves.comnoreply@blogger.com