The Shopping Trip
The prompt: Introduce a romantic interest or opportunity and see what happens.
Part of Jonah's story is here,
Jonah took Katie’s advice and walked two doors north to the dollar store. The interior was bright. The light was welcome as the aisles were narrow and shelves packed with all sorts of items. There was pet food on one side of an aisle, vitamins and common over the counter medicines on the other.
He picked up a new toothbrush and toothpaste, soap, deodorant, and after searching several shelves, found the underwear he’d thought of earlier that week. He also put a couple of new t-shirts into his basket.
He made his way to the cash register. The young woman behind the counter had short brown hair, and brown eyes behind black rimmed glasses. Her jeans were just tight enough without being trashy, she wore a fuzzy green sweater over her black t-shirt.
She smiled as he set his basket on the counter. “Hi! You must be Katie’s new dish boy, uh guy.” She blushed and looked at his purchases, ringing them and bagging them. “I’m Shelly Harrison,” she said.
“Harrison like in the hardware?” Jonah asked.
“Yep, Uncle Randy has the hardware. I got the junk store. After Aunt May died, I came to see if I could help out. I used to spend a lot of time here when I was a kid. And I had just got laid off my job. So it was mutually beneficial.”
“Well, you’ve got some useful junk here, and I hear your prices are the best in town.”
Shelly blushed again, “Katie must’ve sent you, then. She spends a lot of time in here. She says Marshall’s is over priced.”
Jonah grinned, “that’s about the same thing she told me. And I think the grocery store probably doesn't carry underwear.” She blushed again.
“I’m sorry, I’m being a smart ass.” It had been a long time since he’d carried on a conversation with anyone close to his own age. “I swear it’s a defense mechanism, I’m working with some real characters at the Kitchen.”
Shelly laughed at that, “Not to mention the crazy customers. Don’t get me wrong, they're my customers too, and I love ‘em. But, yeah, character is a good description,”
“So you stay in town or do you commute from the big city?”
“Oh, I stay with Uncle Randy. He’s got a big place outside of town. He’s not much for talk, but he treats me well.” She finished his order and collected his money. “You're staying at Missy McKay’s, right?” he nodded. “It’s a small town. And most new comers end up with Missy, for a while anyway.”
Jonah saw one of the other shoppers heading for the register, “It was nice to meet you, Shelly Harrison, I’d better go now. Or the characters will have something to talk about.” He winked and Shelly blushed one more time as he left.
Very sweet and flowing. I really like how they connected.
ReplyDeletegood job
Thank you. I'm a sucker for light romance.
DeleteNice flow, like where you took this. A bit of concrit: the conversation could use some more identifiers. (Of course I could be suffering from one hot toddy too many) It was natural but I found it difficult in a couple of places to decipher who said what. Sometimes, just dragging it to a different paragraph is all you need to do.
ReplyDeleteI loved the fact she referred to it as the junk store. Great job! Ready for the next installment.
Thanks for stopping by. I think I see where the confusions are, I'll need to get back in there and edit some.
DeleteCute connection! I like the start of whatever is happening between them here and am curious to see where it goes.
ReplyDeleteMy only random suggestion is that you could have left out the last line of the first paragraph. The extra description isn't needed, I think, as most of us can quickly picture a dollar store and it interrupts your flow.
But a fun story and great job otherwise. I think I have a crush on him. ;)
Thank for reading and the concrit, I was trying too hard to get the "atmosphere" I think.
DeleteI li,e how casual this encounter was. You gave a hit of romance with her blushes but didn't go into too much.
ReplyDeleteMy only critique is we are told a lot about the store, and Shelly. Would be nice to be shown some of this through Jonahs eyes
Oh, now my head is working big time on a rewrite! I can see how it should be...
DeleteI especially love the end, the light meet-cute way he leaves, hinting that there could be "something to talk about."
ReplyDeleteAndrea and Carrie picked up on the same things I would have mentioned, so I'll just second their critiques and say that overall, I love the feel and atmosphere here.
Thank you! I love all the critiques. They make my look at my work harder, find a better direction.
DeleteI really enjoyed the light feeling throughout this piece, especially with some of Jonah's other pieces having a more serious tone. You do a great job showing the easy banter, with just a bit of flirting, between two people who have just met.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I want to find Jonah's old self as well as show what he's become.
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