The prompt:Aaah...jealousy. We all have it. We all feel it.And now we'd like you to write about it. We'll leave it open: you can write about something or someone you envy, or a time when your jealousy got you in trouble, or maybe how it makes you feel to be envious. Whatever you want.
And it can be fiction or non-fiction. Word limit is 600.
Mommy had given him hugs and told him he was special. She'd tucked him in tight and kissed him good night.
Then she left to find Barry and bring him home. Because, Barry really was special. Barry could hear Mommy when she was away. Barry could make the air move like Mommy did. Barry was special, like Mommy.
Darren couldn't do those things. He was just Darren, not special. So, Mommy put him to bed and went to find Barry.
Darren crawled out of bed and went to Barry's room. Mommy had given Barry some pinwheels to practice making the air move them. Darren stared at them, waved his arms like he'd seen his brother do. Nothing happened, they didn't even wiggle. He wasn't special at all.
He'd make them move anyway! Swinging his arms wildly, he knocked them all to the floor. Then kicked them, making some of them come apart.
"Darren? Are you in bed?" He heard Daddy coming to the stairs. He shoved the broken toys under Barry's bed and scurried back to his room.
He was under the covers when Daddy checked on him, "Hey, buddy, you ok?," Daddy ruffled his his hair. "It's not your fault Darren."
"I know Daddy. Is Mommy home yet?"
"No, buddy, she'll be back when she finds your brother"
"What if she can't find him, Daddy?"
Daddy gave him a hug and kissed the top of his head, "she'll find him," Daddy tucked the covers back around him. As he was leaving, Darren heard him whisper, "She has to."
Darren's tears fell quietly on his pillow. Because Daddy thought Barry was more special, too.
This is after Beth/Lyabet leaves to reclaim her youngest son. You can read about that here: http://elsetimeandotherwhen.blogspot.com/2011/04/another-path.html
I haven't read any of your other pieces but this struck me. I've seen this same sort of thing with my girls. My oldest doesn't get as much attention as her sister and you can tell it bugs her. We try to make it even but inevitably the squeaky wheel gets the grease :(
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed this
My heart breaks for Darren in this piece. You've set up a great turning point for this story of either the brothers becoming rivals or the strongest of allies based on this kidnapping. I thought him destroying the pinwheels was perfect, exactly what a kid would have done, and I love the image of him waving his arms around trying to get them to move.
ReplyDeleteMore poetry than prose. Well done!
ReplyDeleteSo sad. You really captured the spirit of the young child. Missing his Mommy and envious of his brother. Very sweet and sincere. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAwww poor kid! You did such a good job conveying the child's feelings, I feel so sorry for him! Great imagery with the pinwheels, really inspired.
ReplyDeletePoor, poor Darren. It is really sad how kids notice everything, how they keep score. I like this perspective, Renee!
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so lyrical, and I love this story. You captured a child's feelings so very well, and my heart aches as a mother reading this. I know my kids notice unequal treatment, and it's impossible to be completely equal all the time. I hope Darren is able to learn he is special in his own way, too.
ReplyDeleteI, too, loved this perspective. His actions are logical because he is hurting. You add complexity and another layer of emotion so lyrically.
ReplyDeletei agree with angela and nancy. a great job here with the development in such a short piece!
ReplyDeleteThis is so very strong. The emotions, the perspective.
ReplyDeleteAnd it moves the story along so well.