This week we’d like you to stir up some conflict, using the following quote as inspiration.It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948)
The word limit is 300. Come back Friday to link up and let us see those sparks fly.
“You ain't been here in five days! You ain’t paid your rent in two weeks! I don’t give a hoot who you daddy is, you’re out!”
A male voice yelled back, “Look you old bitch, I signed a lease, you cant throw me out! My daddy’ll pay up my rent. I gotta get ready for work. So, you…”
Missy cut him off, “work where boy? You find a new job these last five days? Cause if you think you still gotta job at the Kitchen, you are mistaken!”
“Shit”, Jonah headed down the stairs. “Missy McKay! You need help?” He turned to the younger man, “You have a problem, kid?”
The boy glared at him, “What the fuck do you care?”
‘I care that you are threatening my land lady. I’m pretty sure I heard her tell you, you’ve been evicted.”
“Then you heard me tell her I signed a fucking lease and she can’t throw me out”
“Yes she can. You broke your lease by not paying your rent on time.” Jonah watched Missy back into the room behind her, he hoped she was going for a phone.
“Who the hell are you anyway?”
“Why, I’m the new dish washer at Katrina’s Kitchen.” Jonah continued to bait the boy, “Seems her help isn’t responsible enough to show up, and you’re going to make me late for work, kid.”
This took the boy by surprise. “Like hell you are! That’s my job! Do you know who I am, asshole? I’m Ben Marshall, my daddy owns the grocery in this this town!”
Missy returned with a phone at her ear, “Denny Clark, you get yourself over to my place! Benny is back and in a bad mood.” She turned to Ben, “the sheriff is on his way, boy. We’ll see how impressed with your daddy he is.”
Very nice! Good for Jonah and that Ben is a piece of work. Good strong characters there. I also enjoy your word choice, that Joan is "baiting" the boy. :)
ReplyDeleteIn terms of concrit, you might want to brush up on your punctuation around your quotations:
Missy cut him off, “[W]ork where[,] boy?...
“Shit[,]” Jonah...
...throw me out[.]”
["]I care that you are threatening...
When you are linking an action with words (without using he said/she said,) you don't use a comma:
Missy returned with a phone at her ear[.] ““Denny Clark, you...
She turned to Ben[.] “[T]he sheriff is on
This is a helpful quick resource:
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html
Can't wait to hear more!!
Thanks! Punctuation sometimes baffles me. I'll be using that link.
DeleteI was a bit worried about being over the top with Ben's character, but it's how he came out.
Over the top characters are often the most interesting to read!
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by the odd capitalization... was that an artistic choice?
Thank you!
DeleteWhich capitalization? It may be errors. If it is the Kitchen, then it's just a shortening of the restaurant's name. The townies just call it "the Kitchen" instead of "Katrina's Kitchen".
NIce scene. I like how Jonah comes to her rescue. The baiting was impressive. Clearly this boy has a high opinion of himself.
ReplyDeleteThe only other critique I have beyond what was mentioned is the first line. I'd try it like this instead:
Jonah entered the hall[.] [A]s he tried to remember the way to the bathroom, he heard Missy McKay’s voice raised in anger.
You're right about that first line, your suggestion is much smoother. I hope to get back and edit later.
DeleteThanks for stopping by!
He seems like such a laid-back guy, if you didn't already know what happened to his fiance back in a previous post. Careful Benny, you don't want to mess with Jonah!
ReplyDeleteOk I need to read the rest of this story, but I love these characters. it was a great conflict, with a perfect supporting cast.
ReplyDeleteI like the character dynamics here. A little polishing like previously mentioned and it'll be perfect. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteSelf-perception is such a great thing to play with. Benny crowing about his daddy owning the grocery store tells us not only about his high-opinion of himself, but about the hierarchy and social priorities of the community, about Missy and Jonah and the restaurant.
ReplyDeleteAnd people were grumbling about a short word limit... you've packed it all in tightly. Nicely done.
I love the dialogue in this one. It's so authentic. And moves the story perfectly.
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